Mr. Eternity Read online

  In the morning I climbed a tree to see where we was. Don’t bother said Old Dan I already know we are near Jacksonville and Saint Augustine you see I were stationed here long ago. Okay said the captain then I must go to Saint Augustine for it is there I am charged to meet my passengers. That’s okay said Old Dan but Jam and I must look for buried treasure. Forget about that I said I have got a change of heart let us find Anna Gloria instead. My Anna Gloria or your Anna Gloria he said. Yours first I said or both together if possible. Well he said I don’t know where she is this might not be the time to find her. Where did you see her last I said. I saw her in Miami he said but she will be elsewhere now for Miami were drowned. Are you sure I said did you see it drown. Yes he said I were living on a garbage mound in the bay after Key West were swamped. A garbage mound I said. Yes he said it were a imperfect domestic arrangement. You will find her I said don’t worry you will find her in all this enormous world.

  Peaches were sitting upon the sand with dead eyes crying. He had been crying all this time but he now begun screaming. Quiet please said Old Dan. Quiet said the captain. But Peaches did not stop. We started wondering how we would make him stop. He has got Jesus in him we must get Jesus out said the captain. Old Dan said we simply had to poison him. Poison him I said. Not to kill him said Old Dan only to make him quiet. Very good said the captain. We was all talking loud now to be heard above Peaches screaming. Very good he said how do we poison him. Old Dan stood shading his eyes looking into the dark forest. I will show you he said.

  So Old Dan and me creeped into the forest to look for some herbs vines shrubs to poison Peaches with. I were his helper after all. The captain he stayed on the shore with Peaches poor guy who now it seems had truly got a psychosis he had gone coconuts. We crept through the mongrove which were everywhere and up to a higher place where the forest were thick again with trees plus lots of garbage trash broken plastic the ruins of houses. I looked at these vestiges all faded and smashed. It were the ruins of a whole civilization. The world is ending after all I said. Oh yes said Old Dan it always does. But then I said to myself think positive think positive don’t think of Cumberland Island. I were not scared for I had already endured shipwrecks pigs a cruel reseca plus the discomfort of eating so much fresh coconut. Also I were not scared of the pigs anyway for I knew the pig only ate Lun-Biao because he tried to kill it.

  Up ahead Old Dan were moving very carefully very quietly. There is not such good bioversity here he said but we will find something. He picked a leaf he smelled it he crumbled it he said now this leaf will be good for mosquito bites try it. I rubbed it on my arm whereafter my arm went dead. Wow I said. Yes he said you could bite a chunk out of your arm you would not feel it. But what are we looking for I said. We are looking for anything will knock Peaches on his ass he said. He needs to walk I said he has got to be tame like a dog that’s all. Aha said Old Dan yes we must not forget we must not knock him too far on his ass good thinking. Then he seen a small green plant shiny with white berries. This will get him he said he will never know what happened it will be days before he come to himself. But listen I said we must not poison him too bad he will need to walk. Yes said Old Dan good thinking I forgot you are right.

  But there was many poison plants in this rainforest and I had little hope of not poisoning poor Peaches out of his mind. Each time we saw one Old Dan said aha this will turn him on his head aha this will blow his soul inside out. Later he begun laughing he said I will tell you a secret which is that I don’t know much about plants I am just guessing.

  As we was walking we did discover an amazing thing it were a kitten. It were small gray with yellow eyes tiny paws a tiny voice it were so perfect I couldn’t stand it. Can we take him with us I said. Of course we can said Old Dan. You are not just saying so I said. Of course not he said kittens are good to have around. What should we name him I said bending down looking at the tiny kitten face what are the good names for cats. The best name for a cat is Christopher Smart said Old Dan that is the name of the most famous cat in literature. Okay I said. Good said Old Dan. Great I said. Now you have a helper too said Old Dan the kitten is your helper as you are mine.

  When we come down to the shore Peaches were sleeping if that is the word for the captain had knocked him out with driftwood. He got violent said the captain it were nothing to be done. No matter said Old Dan. He had some leaves with him now. He said they was very mild leaves but he were not even touching them with his own hand he were carrying them wrapped in bark. It have something here that will make Peaches our slave he said. Will it scare the Jesus out of him said the captain for I cannot tolerate more talk of Jesus he were screaming this whole time Jesus this Jesus that. Yes said Old Dan you could say so but maybe it will fill his brain with other gods. Fine said the captain so long as it is fresh gods. Not fresh said Old Dan in fact very old have you ever heard of Namwa spirit of the forest. I don’t care said the captain just get the Jesus out of this guy.

  Now the captain saw Christopher Smart who were sitting on my shoulder very alert and happy. Who is this he said. It is Christopher the kitten I said. The captain looked closely at the kitten. Then he said good to meet you Christopher.

  Next we gave Peaches the leaves we shook him awake we made him chew them. After he had ate it were not long for soon he were seeing stars vomiting saying he were the mother of bees and I were the gentleman in the moon. I am surprised this worked said Old Dan. But it did work said the captain and now we will walk to Saint Augustine can you walk Peaches. Of course he can walk said Old Dan. Peaches can you walk I said. He can walk said Old Dan watch it is like talking to a dog. Peaches he commanded Peaches walk. To our surprise Peaches did start walking though not so good or fast.

  Old Dan now said a shocking thing. He said I were thinking maybe we should of just ate Peaches for he is named after a food. You are joking said the captain. He is joking I said haha. Oh sure said Old Dan I am joking or else who knows maybe I am just not civilize like you fellows. Civilize said the captain civilize what do you mean you are the last coal of civilization. True said Old Dan well then again civilization it were not very civilize.

  1750

  * * *

  Mr. Galsworthy had been selling his ratt leather to a man in London, who was said to make from it the most beautiful kid gloves in all Europe. In the space of just a few months, those very months in which I had gambled away all I had and arrived at my present indebtedness, he had greatly augmented his wealth, & had grown concomitantly less gracious in his treatment of the slaves, or else more negligent in respect of their maltreatment by the overseers, who drove them harder now the profitability of ratt leather was established. It would seem Mr. Galsworthy’s dalliance with philosophy was not so great an affair of the heart that it could dissolve his marriage to the Golden Goddess, Wealth.

  I looked upon this as evidence of his villainy, for I wanted to justify the necessity of robbing him. I also wanted to believe he regarded me now with less indulgence than he had done, so that it should be easier to do him this nasty turn, yet I could turn up no evidence it were so. It was inarguably the case that he had been kind to me, nor, for all my fears, had he yet given me reason to think he entertained any suspicion I was not who I said I was.

  But it mattered little, for our course was plotted, and all being left in readiness it was my concern only to pick the day. Soon the night came when there were strange guests upon the place, & grate bowls of punch to be drunk, & the occasion so proper and good it was madness to delay. I was very much griped in my stomach, but I impute my gripes to cassava beer, and not to apprehension.

  Dr. Dan did now complain of a head-ache, and accordingly took to his bed, there to dye, as Quaco would arrange it, the next morning. However, a very troubling thing happened now, which was that after Quaco gave him the Zombi Powder, and I sought to console him by saying he would soon have his Anna Gloria by his side, he told us he had been mistaken after all.

  In what have you been mistaken? said I.
/>   It is not Anna Gloria, he said. It is another woman. Did I not say so? I went to Melanie plantation again and learnt my mistake.

  I stared at him, Reader, and meanwhile felt the whole fabric begin to unravel. Yet seeing my distress, he quickly amended his own statement, saying that even if it were not his Anna Gloria, he had a certain friendliness for this woman at Melanie plantation and would happily carry out the plan to free her. Nor did he wish to disappoint Quaco and myself. Nor, I should say, was there anything to be done, for Quaco had given him the powder and he was even now slipping into his false death.

  So I put this discovery from my mind and went to the great house to eat a feast once more. There I spoak to a Mr. Corvette, a fellow not seven hands high yet said to be vice-secretary of the International Trumpet players guild, a notable attainment for one of his stature. He was harrowed by the pangs of an Embittering Passion, having heard in town that day just off the shippe from England a man playing the trumpet.

  Despite the severe penal mandates issued previously, said he not only watchmen, care-takers, jugglers, comedians and gamblers are sounding the trumpet, as is only tolerat’d of them on towers, in comedies & juggling games, & on gambling stands, but now also many peasant musicians have commenc’d to do so anywhere and everywhere it pleases them, not excepting feasts, weddings, and baptisms.

  Appearing to sympathize with him in his distress I clapt him on the back, and pour’d him more punch, yet I had taken against this man who would unfairly legislate the playing of trumpets (which playing I thought should be free for all to whom it gave joy). When he further said that trumpet playing should be entirely forbid to Jews and Negroes, my anger was roused and I had an idea that I might cast suspicion upon him. Ask our host, said I to Corvette, if he would show you his collection of Spanish coins. And so Mr. Corvette did, if only to be polite, saying to me in confidence he cared nothing for such things, and so Mr. Galsworthy gave him a long look, wondering if he was a robber.

  I now drank claret, brandie, and other things with Mr. Galsworthy & Mr. Corvette & other guests whose names I do not recall. These spirits cured me of my gripes. Then, when I judg’d Mr. Galsworthy past the point of memory, I swore off intoxicating liquors and asked the lovelie Quamina that she bring me a cup of coffee. I will not say my heart was light, for indeed I thought often that Mr. Galsworthy had done me no foul turn at all, not one, and indeed had tolerated me, though I was incompetent at my assigned job, for many months. When Mr. Corvette asked what it was I did upon the place, Mr. Galsworthy laughed, & asked me, Yes, what do you do? acknowledging in this way I did nothing, yet giving no sign of displeasure. Later he said I was a kind of clown here to dance and sing, though when Mr. Corvette asked to see proof of my acquirements in dancing, Mr. Galsworthy passed on to another subject, for he knew that I was the very smallest bit lame in my left foot, and could not dance but in private, for exercise (as I do now each morning). Instead he began to speak with passion upon ratt leather, his eternal theme, which he held to be the font and wellspring of a new kind of nation that he would himself bring forth, and call himself not king but First Minister, a nation upon which the light of culture would shine, and one in which slaves would live almost as men did, for the character of a nation must be judged by nothing more or less than the condition of its slaves.

  So he talked. He was a person of whim and humor, perhaps, but he was a slave-master, and his fortune was got in a most inhuman way. I had a green idea of government, Dear Reader, but I knew that no true philosophical republic could ever ripen in a climate where slavery thrives, even if today my countrymen in South Carolina would sing you a different song.

  Two hours rough toaping took my employer to the pantry, where he accost’d the slave girls Mimber and Betsy, saying he had concealed in his trousers a pillar of Herakles and did they not want to see. These girls meanwhile sang hymns, for they knew that nothing keeps the devil away like singing hymns, & directly he repented of his concupiscence and begged their forgiveness. I followed him and thus was witness to his nightly fall down the stairs (preceded, as he hung totteringly upon the very edge of that topmost step, by a waving of the arms and a cry for help), his attraction to that place being mysterious. The boy Samson clapt and laughed, and I patted his woolly head, afterward going down the stairs to assure myself poor Mr. Galsworthy was not dead, which he was not, & also to slip the key from about his neck.

  The house slaves being occupy’d with serving, and the ladies all removed to speak of such things as pleased them in the safety of the withdrawing room, I now crept up the back stares & with the greatest expedition possible unlocked the cabinet & placed the gold and silver in as many pillow slips as I could find, tying them up with string and dropping them from the window, where Quaco stood waiting. This being done, I locked the cabinet and listen’d a moment, but heard only the sounds of revelry, as before, the clock having struck that particular hour at which quarrels and havock ride triumph through the house.

  I replaced the key after that, and went down to bed, but I slept not a wink and in the morning was startled by Samson beating upon the door to tell me Dr. Dan was now dead, as he had seen himself with his own eyes. Mr. Galsworthy was in a state of terrible grief over this loss, having apparently come to love his physician very much, and Mrs. Galsworthy too was up-set, so that it grieved me I could not assure her all was well.

  In such a climate the burial must take place immediately upon confirmation of death, and therefore Dr. Bankcroft was summon’d from Green Gardens not far away, and pronounc’d Dr. Dan dead on sight, and went away directly so he might return home in time for dinner, leaving only Quaco to wash and dress the body. This he now did, affixing such coins as would fit to Dr. Dan’s skin (the doctor lying now upon the table with his stomach swole, and his lips blue, circumstances by which I was badly affrighted), and fixing the rest to the floor of the coffin such that none could be seen after we had lifted our friend inside. I grew fearful as we nailed shut the coffin lid, yet Quaco did assure me there was no cause for apprehension. All of this being done we executed the rites of sepulture with all appropriate solemnity, Mr. Galsworthy weeping meanwhile though I had ne’er seen him give concern to any death that had occurr’d.

  My next task was to ensure the discoverie of the theft, it being necessary to bring this crime into the air, & allow accusations and volleys of interrogatories to fly freely, so that all suspicion might have time to dissipate like a foul odor before such time as it would be necessary to rouse Dr. Dan from his false death. This gave us a period of not more than three days, or so Quaco judg’d, from the instant the Zombi Powder had been rubb’d beneath the doctor’s hare.

  Reader, in my youth I did many rash and incautious things, yet perhaps none were so rash and incautious as the following, which I did without reason. It might have been the great Erratum of my worldly existence, except that it was not. It proved the happiest of all my rash choices, which is why I am inclined to wonder if it were not some ancient spirit of love or fate that drove me to that appalling recourse.

  What I did was this, namely that I met Mrs. Galsworthy in the kitchen garden and discovered the whole thing to her. I told her of our plan, and confess’d, & begged her to keep silent. I told her of my debts (of which she had known) and of my unseasonable youth (though she was not but one year older than I), which disposed me to bad actions, and I told her I did not know why I risked it all in confessing to her. Then I asked her could she do me the great favor of my life, and cause Mr. Galsworthy to discover his coins were missing, for if she did so it would be a great favor to Dr. Dan. I now dared to take her hand, and in a voice mild as goose-milk, with hardly a thought for what I said, I told her I loved her. Only when I pronounced it did I know to a certainty it was the truth.

  2500

  * * *

  In the year 2370, during another epochal drought, my great-grandfather had triumphed in a water war against the MDC, but now, when the MDC began to divert so much water that the river was only a pest
ilential trickle by the time it reached St. Louis, my father cowered from such conflicts. Instead, as the months totted away and drought chewed apart the peripheries of the city, he simply enacted one fruitless reform after another. He founded a bank. He declared himself the godfather of everyone in the country. He printed national currency on cheap husk paper because he thought it would be a psychological inducement to prosperity if people could hold large piles of money in their hands. Later he tried to extend the grope of the governmental hand by establishing new agencies, for example a Department of Motor Vehicles, which was truncated to DMV. The name was just euphemistic. As Daniel Defoe explained, a DMV was a place to hang out and tell stories. It was a place for poor, sick people to congregate. It had nothing to do with motor vehicles.

  Concomitantly with these reforms, he enacted a propaganda campaign to exalt the pillars of the Roulette dictatorship. He wanted to start a cult of personality, which would galvanize the public spirit and persuade everyone to take up the task of remodernization with renewed comradely zeal. We were amazed at the resiliency of his self-belief, which flowered and flourished even though we lived now within a penumbra of doom. It was almost wondrous to behold. First he had inspirational woodcuts of himself printed and distributed to all of our famished citizens. He thought it would be harder to do unlawful actions or foment revolution if the benevolent gaze of the patriarch was always in sight. Then he sent vice-secretaries into the city to disseminate glorious rumors about him. Edward Halloween was charged with writing the rumors.